were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
