I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
