Where is the hickey?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
