I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
