I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
