You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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