Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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