Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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