I faked an abortion last night.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
