2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
