So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
