Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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