So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
