I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
