I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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