I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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