Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
