Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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