Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
