do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
