you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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