So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
In other news, I just burned my penis
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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