I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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