benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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