This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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