I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
