4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
