OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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