I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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