Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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