she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
