I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
