just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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