no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
her vagine was all disorganized.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
