You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
