About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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