You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
