i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
