it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
