well I can't set my house on fire every night
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
