Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
