you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
