i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
