I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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