This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
