Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
