I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize