But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
