Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize