it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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