Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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