he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
