I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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