I CAN MOONWALK!
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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