your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
