I can text with my tongue
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
