Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
