New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
