Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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