i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
