Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
