i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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