I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
