There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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