i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize